Jack's Goofy Jokes

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball? A man will spend hours lookin for the golf ball!

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch. When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?" The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats."

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month. 2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier. 7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country. 9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake. 10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me." The advisor continued, "I said you that you get to throw out the first PITCH."

Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches: Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships. Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor. Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first one said, "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked, "Why a plumber?" He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky." The second one said, "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked, "Why an electrician?" He replied, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in the world do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So I can beat up that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

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